It has been almost 3 weeks since I have put up a post. Partly because we have had very limited internet access in Zambia and also because there has been so much that has gone on; much to challenge us and much to confuse us.
Unfortunately the result of all that has happened is that we had to return to England.
I don't even know where to begin to try and explain everything and I know I would bore you with all the details, but the summary is that we found ourselves in a position where we could not trust the person who was the director of the charity we were working with. We have no hard evidence that would allow us to know for sure that this man couldn't be trusted, but once we arrived in Livingstone, we found many 'coincidences' that led to suspicions. We were also given warnings by several godly people and consequently were unable to go forward with this man.
To say it was a hard decision, is truely an understatement. The kids and I shed many tears over this decision and still our hearts ache when we realize we are not in Zambia living the dream we had hoped and longed for; to help children in need, a dream that we believed the Lord had placed in our hearts. We prayed and prayed that the Lord would show us a way in which we could stay, but He never did.
It really broke our hearts to have to come back to England, but without work permits we were unable to stay. We could have extended our visitor visas but we would have been without accomodation, which obviously we could not do.
So we arrived home on Saturday, emotionally hurt, confused and asking many questions such as "Lord why did you make it so clear that we were supposed to go, only to bring us back 1 month later?" "Why Lord did you make us walk the path of giving up everything, if we were only to be gone for such a short time?" As of now we have no answers to these questions, and we may never get them.
I know the trip has not been a wasted one as it has solidified in our children, (and us) the desperate need for the support of the orphan and vunerable children in Africa. Every one of our kids wanted to stay and take care of some of these needy children. Elaina has had an especially hard time with leaving. The night after we had made the decision to return, she came to me in tears. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that in her mind she could hear the sound of the babies crying and asked why we have to leave them here.
Also, Jeremiah asked if we could just adopt a couple of orphans before we got back on the plane. If only it was that simple!!!
To hear the sweet hearts of my children has encouraged me to ask the Lord to keep their hearts tender toward the needy, maybe this dream of ours will be fulfilled through them.
To explain my own feelings is hard. My arms were so ready to hold more children and my heart so eager to love them - yet we had to leave them behind. If you know me at all, you can imagine how I struggle with this. I continue to cry for them, and selfishly for me as I long to be a mother to more. If there were no children in need I would be more than satisfied with what the Lord has given me, but there are so many children desperately needing a home and I can't give it to any of them - it hurts!!!
So what now, what is next for the Northcutts - we have NO idea. Right now we are back in England, living with my parents. This is a short term arrangement while we look for something permanent.
This is hard, I don't think we have ever been in a situation before where we have no clue what to do. We need to live somewhere, but where? The States is not an option at the moment as we have to reapply for my residency visa (as I have been gone too long) and that costs money. So for now, at least, we will be in England, but where? To stay down south, close to my family or return to Leeds so Gary can volunteer at WEC again (where they desperately need help)?
Does Gary look for work or do we start a family business? If so what type of business/work? So many questions with no answers. We feel desperately lost. We are seeking the Lord for His guidance and trying to wait patiently for answers.
We want to thank those who understand our pain and are supporting us through it as we grieve this death of a dream.
Michelle
15 comments:
A person once told my husband and I during an adoption that was failing ... "God looks at our obiedience not the end result" I hope that brings you comfort in this time. I found your blog through another blog and have prayed for you while you were in Zambia. I will be praying for your next step.
I am sure that the Lord has bigger plans for you. You stepped out in obedience to the Lord and he will reward your obedience. It is hard at times to know the next step, but He knows and that is our assurance. So do not lose heart - I am sure it hurts Him more than it hurts you...Take courage
My dearest Brother and Sister in Christ,
We have always prayed for you and continue to do so in this most difficult time. Trish and I have found oourselves in situations where we did not know what the LORD wanted or what direction to go. I don't know if this will help, but what we had to do was to pray until something happens or the LORD gives you a clear direction in which to head. In the meantime we had to get up everyday read and study and continue to do what we already knew for sure. Matthew was also heart broken when he found out we was not going to Africa with you. Our hearts and our lives are forever bound to you as not only friends, but as brother and sister. During worship service last night we studied Psalm 130 and linked with it was James 1:2-4 and I thought of you. Maybe this will be of some help maybe not. I love you all very much and tell the kids Mathtew says HI and that he prays for them. I want to so much sit and hug you both and weep with you, but distance prevents that for now. Know this even though I can't be there physically I am weeping with you and seeking the LORD's favor on your behalf. You both have often brought Trish and I much comfort in times of distress. Thank you for all you do and your obedience to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
We have been praying for you all and continue to do so. God will give you direction. I can only imagine how terribly difficult this entire situation is. I cannot say it better than Paul.
Phil. 1:6-11 says "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart...how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God."
Know that if God started your work in Zambia it will not die. HE will finish it. God rarely does things the way we think He should because He knows better. Trust that HE will finish what you have started, and HE has great things in store for the Northcutt Family! Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let you heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
We love you all,
Jana
Have you ever been in touch with Viva Network? (www.viva.org) They specialise in networking the many, often small Christian charities who work with children around the world, helping them to learn from each other rather than struggling in isolation. They know lots about needs and ministries in lots of places. If you're supported workers there is much need and demand for you, if it's the right thing.
I have a good friend who works at Viva HQ in Oxford.
Sorry this is a difficult time for you. We'll be praying for you.
Oh my goodness gracious, my friend. I am so desperately sorry to read about ALL you have been through in the last weeks. How absolutely heartbreaking for your sweet family. I cannot even begin to imagine all the feelings and emotions you are trying to piece together. Whew. I just know in my heart that God WILL show you the way. He has you where He needs you to be----completely dependent on HIM! He will NOT forsake you at this time.
Hang tight, friend, help is on the way!!!!!!
Know that I am so praying for you.
Love and biggest hugs from the Ukraine.
Gary, Michelle, and kids. My heart cries out to God for your distress--and that of the orphans you had to leave behind.
When Trish and Robert first told me about their joining you in Zambia, one of my first thoughts was of Abraham when he was told to offer his long-awaited son as sacrafice. On a personal level, I was willing to offer my daughter, sonp-in-law and grandson to the mission. They and you were willing to offer their lives to the mission. For whatever reason, God has chosen to change, or at least, alter the mission. I truly feel it is still to be done -- the timing just is not right for now. I love you guys so much. And I am so very proud of you for your belief and your willingness to show it in your faith. I know it's hard, but try not to be disheartened. I have a feeling that what comes next (maybe instead) will be even better. Love, Alice
God is in control and his plan is better than our own. God knows your hearts and will work all things out for His glory. Will pray for you and hope that you find peace in returning to England and allow God to work his wonders in your lives as he has always done.
My dearest friends, my heart is breaking for you. I sit here with tears running down my cheeks, trying to find the right words. And all I know to say is to reiterate what others have said - God is with you, He will not forsake you. Who knows what plans He has for you. You followed His request, you tried to do His work, He knows that you will do His bidding. You have proved youselves to Him. Don't give up. Your hearts are so full of love for Him, and for His children, and He knows this and I am sure He will make His path for you known to you very soon. And know this too, that you are in the hearts, minds and prayers of many, many people whose lives you have touched and left a mark on. So hold on and be strong. You are not alone and never will be. We love you all so much, and we are here for you now and always. God Bless you all, and give your little ones a big hug from us Dukes'! I love you, Mandy xx
What a difficult time. I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying that you will all know His presence especially close. Your continued faith (which is pretty inspiring, I have to say) is so precious to Him.
I know from my own journey of faith that it is not at all unusual to think that God is doing one thing, and then for it not to work out at all the way you think. I had a miscarriage a few years ago. For various reasons, including what I thought was a very obvious answer to prayer in becoming pregnant in the first place, I really thought it was God's plan.
It didn't work out and I miscarried while we were on holiday in the Dominican Republic. God reminded me of the verse in Proverbs 3 'trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding' Especially the 'lean not on your own understanding' bit. I've never understood why it happened, or what it was about. I grieved quite a bit. And no 'greater' plan to make it all make sense has emerged. But God is still with us. And he loves us. And that is amazing.
I guess 'what now?' is more likely to be a useful question than 'why?' for you guys at this time.
Praying therefore that your 'what now?' is filled with life and peace.
I wanted to let you know that I am praying for your family.
Hugs from Arkansas~
Kelly
Hello Michelle & Gary!
We continue to pray for your family. Our prayer is that the Lord will clearly reveal Himself to you in the days ahead. Much love.
Stephanie
Wow, I have been checking your blog frequently and noticed a lack of posting, now I know why. I am so sorry. I like what Rebekah said, "God looks at our obedience." Keep your eyes on the Prize.
Love from the North,
Summer
P.S. Thanks for your prayers.
Gary,Michelle, and kids,
Our hearts go out to you. You have been so faithful in following God's call and it must be confusing and hard to know what to do next. We are so sorry for what happened to you. We will keep you in our prayers as you try to find out what will be next in your journey and seek God's direction. God does know of your willingness and openness to His plan for you and in the right time He will show you. We grieve with you for your lost dream but know your work is not done. Our love & prayers,
Larry & Cindy Daniels
My heart and prayers are with you!
Post a Comment