A Painful Lesson

One reason we have for writing this blog is for us to remember what the Lord does in our lives. I write this next entry in hope that I will never forget what He taught me last week.

Our first week here was good yet stressful because I knew this time at WEC would present many challenges and changes. I didn't want to share this with Gary because I thought I could cope with this by myself. I did (or at least I tried to) until last week when we went with the other people from our Candidate training group on a two day retreat.

On the first evening we were given this question:

Think about your recent reactions to various life stresses, small or large. Ask yourself "What might my reactions and actions to these stresses reveal about my inner health in Christ?"

So we discussed this in our small groups. I shared what some of my stresses were, but told the group that I didn't know why I reacted the way I did or what it showed about my inner health in Christ. A wise lady told me to ask the Lord 'why' - and I did. As we were praying I became aware of how strong I fight for my independence. I realized I wasn't depending on the Lord, I kept thinking I can do all things myself - if I work hard enough, try hard enough, apply myself etc. Later, that evening after repenting to the Lord and to Gary, I decided I was going to try to seek God first and depend on him.

I wish I could tell you things changed immediately - they didn't. Less than 48 hours later I was loading the van, preparing for our trip back to Fort Washington. I saw some boys around and thought they may ask to help me, but this is what went through my mind "I don't need their help - I can do this myself." On my next journey to the van I thought "Maybe I should get my own kids to help - no! I can do this myself." As I walked back to our room I then thought "Anyway my back is stronger than Gary's, I don't need any help."

After arriving back in our room I turned to see the next bag that needed to be loaded into the van and ... I froze, I had hurt my back. For a few moments I couldn't move but my previous thoughts came immediately to my mind "I don't need their help ... I can do this myself ... my back is stronger than Gary's" The thought that followed immediately after was "You are too independent, you try to do things without Me". I can't believe that less than 2 days after the Lord told me I was too independent I was back to boasting in my own strength and how I could do it myself!!! How foolish I was. I had to call Gary to help me move and then spent the next day in bed as it was so painful to move around.

Thankfully just 4 days later my back is almost completely healed, but I hope and pray I don't forget the lesson I have been taught and that God would show me what dependence on Him should look like and that I would not try to do things in my own strength.

Michelle